Monday, February 28, 2011

This Week: 
UPDATE - This post was written pre-Oscar's. The King's Speech won Best Picture, with Colin Firth winning the Best Actor Award, and Hooper winning Best Director.

With the Oscar's upon us (also known as something to watch on boring Sunday night TV), it's only fitting to review one of the favorites for the Best Picture Award. Going into the movie, I didn't have the greatest of expectations for a movie about a British King's stammer, but came out pleasantly suprised at the movie, and understood why it got such rave reviews and plenty of nominations.

Directed by Tom Hooper (who I never heard of, but apparently directed John Adams -- the TV mini-series), the King's Speech stars Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter, and Geoffrey Rush. Firth, whose previous movie roles I've never seen before, plays King George VI or "Bertie" (as his family and Rush's character call him). For a good part of the movie, Firth plays the part of a very reluctant soon-to-be King. But while seemingly intelligent and fit to be the top decision maker, he can't bloody speak for his life. Firth is taunted by a stammer (or what we call in the US of A - a st-st-stutter). Thus the plot evolves of one "speech therapist" coming to destroy Firth's stammer.

"Don't call me Bertie, mate."

The speech therapist - Lionel Logue (played by Rush) is discovered by Bertie's wife, Queen Elizabeth (played by Carter) in the "commoner" part of England. Logue is a failed actor who has been reduced to crappy local plays and working with individuals on how to overcome speaking impediments.

Geoffrey Rush. Can't believe it's the same guy?

Rush probably does the best out of the three big names in the movie, bringing some much needed humor in a slow-paced movie. Logue is a very likeable character who helps Bertie to realize that he does indeed have a voice, and really is deserving to be the King of Great Britain. Helena Bonham Carter (of Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and Fight Club fame) also continues to do well playing British-themed ladies. She works well with the plot of a reluctant King -- since she herself rejected the first two proposals of King George VI (she had no desire to be a public figure).

The many faces of Helena Bonham Carter, who undoubtedly wins countless British Bloggers' "Hot Chick of the Week" award:

The film progresses with Bertie working on his speaking issues with Logue and still fearing to become a King of England. His fears become reality when his father (King George V) dies, and his older brother (King Edward VIII -- played by Guy Pearce of Memento awesomeness) abdicates the throne because he wants to marry a twice-divorced American woman (those bloody Americans!). Suddenly a King, Bertie has to face his greatest fears and address the nation as it heads into World War II and faces up against the Nazi's.

One of the interesting sub-plots of the movie is the issue with Bertie's brother. Back in the 1940's it was very controversial for him to want to wed a twice divorced American woman. I'm assuming these days it would probably still create a stir, but there was an emphasis in the movie that had she been British, thing's may have ended up differently. Queen Elizabeth addresses this in the movie when speaking to the famous Winston Churchill -- stating that "Apparently she has certain skills... acquired at an establishment in Shanghai." (Gotta love the British way of calling someone a whore... or a prostitute... slizz... whatever.)

Guy Pearce - Stone Cold Pimp

The movie itself is very well produced and acted. The Writer and Director seem to do a decent enough job to pass the history-nerd smell-test. Since I myself could care less, the good folks at the world's best encyclopedia debate the history merits of the movie, here. Despite a slow start and a tough topic to make a movie out of, The King's Speech earns it's stripes with great performances and unique story-telling.

Perhaps the only perplexing thing about The King's Speech is the group of retarded monkeys who decided to make it rated R. The movie contains foul language and some adult content, but could have definitely been rated PG-13. That being said, it's obviously not the movie or director's fault that a bunch of big babies thought a 13 year old couldn't handle potty mouth language at times.  See The Bugger! Youtube video, infra.

Ten movies are nominated for Best Picture.  I've seen four of those -- The King's Speech, Inception, The Social Network, and Toy Story 3.  I'd say the King's Speech is right in the mix to win. My personal style favors a movie more like Inception -- rather than a movie like The King's Speech -- but it wouldn't surprise me to see The King's Speech come out on top. In the Eric ratings chart (follows much like the Michael Scott rating system from the "Beach Games" episode of The Office) - I'd give it 6 points, 3 gold stars, and 2 thumbs up.

Now for the one of the funniest scenes in the movie - English swear words!:

Suggestions for the next movie review? Post them in the comments!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

What do you have when someone is not quite superhuman, but not quite human?  Bollywood martial arts.  And apparently fat guys from the early 80's are the Indian equivalent of Jean Claude Van Damme.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

This is a guest article.

Little Mac

You remember what it was like... it's 1988, and your mother is yelling at you to get your "little shit-eating ass" upstairs for dinner.  You know that if you are late one more time, daddy will drink more of his grownup apple juice and physically express himself on you.  As you fly up the stairs, heart pounding, you cannot take your mind off what just happened at your NES console just seconds before.  It consumes your every thought and colors your every emotion.  You got your ass handed to you by the Second Don Flamenco.

Eats Tapas (Don Flamenco I)

[If you don't know who I'm talking about, stop right here -- you're a pussy.  You can either accept this reality and finish your life with a perm and a Miata, or you can take corrective action now by downloading Mike Tyson's Punchout and making up for the lost childhood that you never had.  After that's done, come back here and read on.]

Eats Babies (Roid rager Don Flamenco II)

"What the f*ck just happened?," you think to yourself.  Your thoughts linger back to 45 minutes ago when you faced that pufta Spaniard for the first time.  He came out with a rose in his mouth like your gay uncle used to, pranced around the ring taunting you, made that little whimpering "mwhe" sound, and then offered his solitary Flamenco Uppercut.  A Cobra Commander laser-gun-shot would have been more accurate -- all you had to do was dodge left and pound Flamenco like you do to your girlfriend on a Tuesday afternoon.   If you were horrible enough at this game, and couldn't finish him before the second round, this Streisand would try to intimidate you with a "People like my hair. Don't mess my hair!" taunt.  Remember the Flamenco Dance!?? "Haha," you chuckle to yourself.

"People like my hair. Don't mess my hair!"

Okay, so you are flying high, you take out King Hippo by punching him in his fat mouth, then repeatedly in his fat gut until he falls over, done.  Then you take out the Indian guy, Great Tiger, with little difficulty (he only had that one magic spin move, which was only mildly annoying).  Then you take out Bald Bull during his bull charge, little difficulty.  You are now the Major Circuit champ, and you move on to fight in the World Circuit. You fight Piston Honda again, this time he's a little faster and with one or two new punches, nothing fancy.  Next you face a new opponent, Soda Popinski, who isn't notable.  Next, Bald Bull again, a little faster, nothing special.  Then pops up... Don Flamenco!  Again!?  You laugh a little, confused.  You thought you left him in the dust, surely he is a nobody, not even a contender...

But this time, you get into the fight and WHAM! -- where the hell did that left cross come from?  He has a jab? WHO THE F*CK HAS A JAB IN PUNCH OUT?!?!?  What is it about the new blue ring that suddenly turned this techno-listening man-capri wearer into a modern day cannibal? Is it the new aqua gloves?  Maybe he put bricks in them.  He taunts you, so you try and deck him in his mouth.  WTF!? He just blocked? ...and blocked again!?  "Ah christ," you think as you see Little Mac turn into a pink flaming bag of vag.  Flamenco smells blood, and starts pounding your ass harder than the realization that you're adopted -- Canadian by birth. "Flamenco strikes back!! Return of Don!" he screams between round 1 and round 2.  Indeed, Don, indeed.

Donny-F taught you a couple of important lifelong lessons on that cold, dark day:

1)  Humility

Just because you beat the shit out of/have intercourse with someone once doesn't mean you will always succeed the second time.  Stay hungry. 

2) Gambling and drugs will get you places.

Either Don Flamenco is the biggest sandbagging son of a bitch in modern history and he threw that first fight, or he juiced before the second.  Because there's no other way to explain how many more babies the 2nd Don Flamenco could eat than the first.  The 1st Don Flamenco was about as cool as the bride's drunk aunt when "Celebrate Good Times" comes on at the last wedding you went to, and about just as good as she'd be in a fight.

The second time around he was basically an improved Piston Honda with Jesus' abs.  That's when it hits you:  This dude brings the Justice -- that and he effed your mom in high school.  Either way, drugs are involved.  I know, I know, this is the kind of thing you'd expect from Von Kaiser, the Berliner at the height of Cold War when the East German werewolf women were still winning Olympic Medals.  But, in the last analysis, Kaiser fought like a guy who's seen Hasselhoff live.  I'll bet you a subscription to Nintendo Power that he's the one who got Flamenco to the "next level" with the needles in the butt.  Communists can't be trusted, and neither can a man with a mustache.  Kaiser's both.

Von Kaiser
The commie bastard.

It's all coming together now for you, isn't it?   While Lil Mac trained for his fights by running around in a pink bunny suit chasing Al Roker on a bike, Flamenco was up in the Alps juicin' hardcore, training with Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV.

3)  Fear the Spanish

Let's not forget that most of South and Central America speak the devil's tongue.  The Spanish have a proven history of dressing in silly outfits, confusing you with homosexual undertones, and then whipping your ass whilst giggling hysterically.  For example, in 1997 when the world was entranced with Nick Cage's performance in Con Air, Enrique Iglesias silently attacked pop music and hasn't left since. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition before it's already upon them.  Or was it the Spanish Armada?  F*ck it, they are sly and deceitful and not to be trusted.

This article was contributed by "JW."

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Emmanuelle Chriqui is a brunette, and a hot one.  Her last name looks like someone just pounded the keyboard and let random letters float onto the birth certificate.  Nonetheless, having a crappy last name surely doesn't affect her hotness at all -- I mean, come on, for those of you who know me, I'm living proof of this concept (although she may be slightly hotter, by maybe one thousandth of a meter).

Chriqui is from Canada of all places, despite her exotic look.  The answer lies, of course, with her parents, who are from Morocco. She was born near Montreal but was raised near Toronto (making her one of the less-evil Canadians, aka, not one of the smelly French-speaking ones).

Edgy, I know...

It was actually quite hard to find good pictures of Chriqui on the internettubes (compared to the almighty Brooklyn Decker).  But, I think the picture above gives you a good idea of what exactly we are dealing with this week.  As Borat would say, wowaweewaa!

I LOVE jeans...

...AND pools (but not sun glasses, or loopy earrings).

Chriqui was in that movie Don't Mess With the Zohan (2008), starring Adam Sandler -- which we all know was a huge success...  She apparently also has some sort of role in the TV show Entourage!  I don't watch much TV outside of The Office and old MacGyver and Quantum Leap re-runs, so I wouldn't know anything about her hotness on that show though.  But I can tell you that she has some quality.

Contemplative relaxing hotness picture.

That does it for this week.  Make sure you cover the computer screen so your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife doesn't catch you lookin' at this...

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Monday, February 21, 2011

So I'm trying to diversify my blog.  I came up with this idea to include the female perspective, aka, asking chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the third neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #3.

1) What is the best gift a guy could get you?

A good gift is one that shows that you were thinking of her. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, it doesn’t have to glitter, and it certainly doesn’t have to empty your bank account. My mother likes utilitarian gifts, like snow blowers, gardening gloves, and a new garbage disposal. I like gifts that make me laugh. Two of the best gifts I’ve ever received? In high school, my boyfriend made me a stuffed rabbit that looked exactly like the one from this video, because it was something that we’d both found amusing and joked about:

The other gift was a box of oatmeal. Strange? Perhaps. But I’d been dating a guy and casually mentioned that I wished I could find the oatmeal I ate as a little kid, the kind with the dinosaur eggs. The next time he was at the grocery store, he happened to see it, and bought it for me. Three years later, I still remember it. Perhaps that’s personal taste (I suppose I’m a bit quirky), but again, if you’re buying her gifts, you should probably know her well enough to understand her type of personality.

2) Do you have any fashion advice for guys?

Have you noticed a trend in these answers? Number one most important? Pants that FIT. If you like them baggy, fine, if you like them tight, go for it. But just as girls are advised to not wear clothes that give away too much of their mystery, no one wants to be able to tell your... ahem... size, with your pants on. Additionally, they should not be falling off. There is a very good reason that Vanilla Ice is single (well, I mean, besides all the rage and drug issues). Otherwise, what you wear sends out a message about your personal style and taste, and it attracts those types of girls. So if you're wearing girl jeans, don't be surprised that all you can get is fourteen year old girls in Twilight t-shirts and heavy eyeliner.

3) Fashion advice for chicks?

Pretty much the same as above. If you’re attracted to a particular type of style, then go for it. But your clothes should always fit. And you should really dress your age. I once read a fashion article where they went through and broke down trends into “expiration dates” according to age, as well as providing alternate suggestions on how to wear it if you’re older (i.e. you really shouldn’t wear those black t-shirts with “clever” statements on them past the age of 21). I’ve also noted that guys are either disgusted or just plain scared of some of the strange things we girls decide are trendy. There really is such a thing as dressing for guys and dressing for girls. Wear what you want, but be aware of the consequences. (And it’s really hard to go wrong in jeans and a well-fitting tank top.)

4) What is the worst date that you've ever been on, and why?

I once went on a date with a guy who I’d previously dated and broken up with. It was his attempt to reconcile, but he was high, hitting on the waitress and using extremely vulgar and abusive language towards me.

So, uh, don’t do that.

5) What is the ideal first date?

Personally? A first date that isn’t really a first date. I’m a strong supporter of that whole “friends first” idea, so ideally, it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve met. But I guess in a general sense, coffee (because if it’s not going well, you can end it after one cup and cut your losses) and then some sort of activity that isn’t a movie. Movies are where you go to make out. Activities give you something to talk about if you’re nervous and unable to come up with talking points, but are designed to allow for socializing without being shushed by the grandma sitting behind you. If you’re really trying to get to know someone, try bowling, mini-golf, or take her to an arcade and challenge her to see who can get the most tickets at the end of the night (and then give her the kazoo that cost you thirty five tickets). 

From what I can tell, you guys are looking for a girl that doesn’t take herself too seriously, who likes to laugh and have fun. If she doesn’t enjoy this kind of stuff then she’s probably not going to be the kind of girl that will hang out with your buddies at the bar while you have all night skee-ball tournaments. Remember, a first date is just as much about you getting to know her, as it is about her being impressed by you. Don’t do things that make you uncomfortable or that you don’t enjoy, because when you find out five months down the road that she’s high maintenance because she throws a fit when you want to grab a pizza, whereas before you only took her to five star restaurants…that’s kind of your own fault.

6) What is the worst kind of kisser?

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again. Deal with your saliva issues. No one wants their memory of a first kiss to include trying to find a polite way to wipe their face. Feel what your partner is doing, and don’t push for more than she’s looking to give. However, if she’s giving you the green light…go for it.

7) How many dates before sex? Less than one is totally acceptable.

I’ve found dates through one night stands. I’ve also held off for months. It’s really a matter of the flow between you. I do know, however, that it is extremely easy to be written off as not being girlfriend material if you give it up too soon, so I avoid it as much as possible. I’d probably aim for four as an average, assuming 1-2 dates a week (and yes, coffee and watching a movie on the couch totally counts).

8) Ever flash anyone in public?

Never on purpose. Possibly that I can’t remember. College was rough.

9) Does size matter?

Extreme size issues? Yes. If you’re Andre the Giant or Warwick Davis, we’ll notice. But generally, no. We girls are pretty accommodating in that matter.

10) Freestyle. Go!

In defense of my gender…we’re really not as crazy as we seem. Well I mean, some girls are. But in general, we just think differently than you. There have been scientific studies! And we get just as annoyed with you, because while you think you guys are easy to understand…you’re really not. We spend time with other girls, where nuances and what is unsaid is just as important as what is said. I guess you guys don’t work like that, but your whole thought process confounds me. If she’s freaking out, she’s probably just frustrated. We know you don’t like to talk about feelings, but listening to her when she’s upset will work wonders. We don’t really like screaming and yelling, so I suggest trying to let her explain why she’s upset, without snapping at her, and maybe you’ll even get some insight into how our brains work. But for the most part, we all try to save the creepy overanalyzing for our girlfriends, because we sure as hell know that you don’t want to hear it. (And trust me, even the super laid back girls overanalyze. They’re just the best at hiding it.)

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 3.  Key takeaway: Ditch my "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

The faces the fighters make are hilarious.  This scene also has a chick fighting with one arm in a sling.  Also, it probably gets the most gruesome death award.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Many people don't know that AC/DC had two singers throughout their career.   And I'm not talkin' about the kind of singer who was only in the band for like a year and then forever claims thereafter that he was the frontman of XYZ band.  No.  This was legit.   AC/DC had/has a huge career, and they are massively popular.   Bon Scott was the lead singer of AC/DC from 1974-1980, and then Brian Johnson took over lead vocals from 1980-present.  They are similar, but, of course, they have distinctive styles.

Bon Scott, AC/DC's first singer*

First, I wouldn't describe Bon Scott's voice as smooth, but it was certainly smoother than Brian Johnson's voice.  Helping the band take off in the mid-1970's, Bon Scott's vocals pushed AC/DC into the hard rock category, really redefining the genre.  They were heavier than most bands were at the time -- although they were never really heavy metal (which is perfectly fine, this is just an observation).

I mean, the world wasn't yet ready for the thrashier music to come in the 1980's.  One could say that the 1970's were just a big hangover from the 60's, where the music world was tired of the freggin' hippies and their gentle acoustic crap.  They wanted some edge, but they still wanted some love.  So you have bands like Uriah Heep getting popular, and other Prog. Rock bands like RUSH (and King Crimson, I suppose, although they are/were of limited popularity).

Bon Scott with AC/DC in 1979.
"Don't need reason, don't need rhyme."

However, at the same time, you had some kids growing their hair out long and wearing tight-ass jeans (see picture below).  These kids were the hard rock kids who heard Black Sabbath and Deep Purple, and pretty much had an orgasm... But then what happened?  Sabbath put out some mediocre albums, and so did Deep Purple (then they both broke up, leading all to think that heavy metal was dead).  These kids were looking for more, and AC/DC filled their aching voids.

Bon Scott was the perfect singer for AC/DC in the 1970's.  He bridged the gap between the 1960's and the 1980's.  He was hard rock when the kids needed edge.  His porridge was "just right," and they ate that sh%t up.  AC/DC put out two very popular albums during Scott's tenure: High Voltage (1975) and Highway to Hell (1979).  Naturally, with their success in the 1970's, the next question is: So what happened to Bon Scott?  Well, unfortunately he died from alcohol poisoning (and/or pulmonary aspiration of vomit) in 1980 after a long night out with friends.  He was a great singer, now lost to the long procession of humanity.

R.I.P. 1946-1980.

Act II.
Enter Brian Johnson.

Aside: How dumb do I look?

AC/DC briefly considered disbanding after Scott's death, but for whatever reason they pressed on.  They picked up Brian Johnson out of whatever dingy club he was singing in, and released their most successful album to date, Back in Black (1980).  The album was a tribute to Bon Scott -- specifically the songs "Hells Bells" and "Back in Black."  Back in Black currently stands as the second highest selling album of all time behind Michael Jackson's Thriller -- believe it or not -- and the highest selling hard rock/heavy metal album of all time.  It is that good.

Simple album cover.

Brian Johnson gave AC/DC the additional edge they needed to stay popular in the 1980's.  Going into the 80's the "New Wave of British Heavy Metal" had inspired a new species of hard rock/heavy metal that was faster, more aggressive, and meaner.  Bands like Iron Maiden, UFO, and Diamond Head inspired a new generation of musicians, including Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, etc. (while also being badass in their own right).  AC/DC had to get an extra set of balls to keep up with this, so they picked up Brian Johnson -- the 5' 5" (1.65 meters, ish) half-British, half-Italian, raspy-voiced, stupid-hat wearin' dude.

Enter Brian Johnson, aka Raspy McGee

He has a much more raspy voice than Bon Scott did.  Indeed, it is rumored that he smokes (or used to smoke) almost an entire pack of cigarettes before a recording or live show.  Well, either way, he has a crazy vocal box machine.  He took AC/DC from the 70's, and jettisoned them into the 80's (and rock 'n' roll history).

AC/DC was never able to match the sheer majesty of Back in Black, but they had some good albums in the 1980's, such as For Those About to Rock We Salute You (1981), and Who Made Who (1986).

As for the ultimate question, which singer was better? ... I'll let you decide, with this little nudge in the right direction...

* AC/DC's first singer was actually Dave Evans, but he was only in the band for a short time, and sounded like a little girl, so I will ignore him.  It's like... technically the Vikings discovered America, but f#ck them.

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This week:

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?" - Mal


In the world of dumb-downed main stream media, rarely does a movie make someone actually think these days. Inception, the 2010 blockbuster directed by amazing director Christopher Nolan (the guy who brought you Memento, The Prestige, the last two Batman movies, and Insomnia), is a movie that makes you more than just think. It forces the viewer to actually think to the point of mind numbery. Ever get a headache after thinking too hard? It's called a mind f#ck.

Symptoms of a mind f#ck are 1) posing neverending questions about a topic, 2) massive confusion, and 3) slight anger at a lack of understanding. You wake up the next morning still confused about what you've pondered and try to make sense out of it by reading the message boards on IMDB and googling for answers. You end up with even more questions than answers and throw in the towel. It's the sober equivalent to the morning after a lonnnng night of binge drinking.

Inception is perhaps the greatest mind f#ck of all movies. All those who watched and payed attention ended up with a blank stare at the epic last scene, frustrated that Chris Nolan messed with our heads yet another time. You know, the scene with the spinning top. Was anyone else waiting for the end of the credits to see the damn top fall?

The questions outweighed the answers. Of course the most relevant being if he was still dreaming at the end. Less questioned, but still on the minds of at least a few were how did he end up growing old in the dream world but returning to reality still young? Why couldn't the totem (i.e. spinning top) be all part of the dream? I could keep going... but you get the point.

Even after seeing the movie twice, it was really hard to digest the extraordinary level of thought and planning that went into the script. The movie itself is a visual orgasm - packed with good acting performances and enough action to make any man happy. Inception stars well known figures like Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page (not preggers anymore), and Michael Caine (a staple in most Nolan movies). Other lesser known but upcoming actors include Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, and Cillian Murphy (of Scarecrow fame in Batman:The Beginning). Even good ol' Tom Berenger has a part (I thought he was still catching for the Indians).

Truth be told - DiCaprio is usually hit or miss for me - I thought he did a great job playing Cobb (still glad he died at the end of Titantic though). The rest of the cast fit in perfectly and did a decent job.

Overall, the movie was solid. It gets points for having enough action and thought behind it to keep people into the movie. As it clocks in at almost 2 1/2 hours, it really does a good job at hooking in the viewer. Nolan, yet again, delivers an amazing movie (everything he does is good - have no fear folks weary of Catwoman in the next Batman movie).

Is it the best movie ever? Definitely not. I'm pretty sure Memento beats it for best Nolan movie and The Prestige is essentially tied with it (Come on, how badass was that movie's ending!). That being said, Inception is easily the best movie in 2010, and deserves its place in the top 20 on imdb's top 250 of all time (although I wouldn't put it at 8th).

In the Eric ratings chart (follows much like the Michael Scott rating system from the "Beach Games" episode of The Office) - I'd give it 8 points, 4 gold stars, and 2 thumbs up.

I'll end this post with this - The ending is reality cause he's not wearing his wedding ring. Feel free to disagree... ha.

Lastly: How Inception Really Should Have Ended:

Thanks to DTM for letting me contribute to his awesomely badass blog. I'm going to try to make this a weekly feature - so long as I don't get super lazy. Please put suggestions for next week's movie review in the comments!

Brooklyn Decker
Yowser! I mean holy s#1t!

This girl... This girl has all of the assets.  As a friend said, she has "the best rack of the year," and it's like "a moment in time you want to cherish forever."  She should be "frozen into a statue" because a carver couldn't replicate such perfection.  In all seriousness though, she has a great face, beautiful eyes, and she isn't emaciated like some models.  So I mean, she does a good job with herself.

I like the beach too.

In my personal opinion Brooklyn Decker may very well be the hottest hot chick of the week so far.  Avid readers might know about my bias towards blondes... hey... it's an addiction... don't put your moral judgment on me.  But anyway, that explains my willingness to put them at the top of the list.  No one is twisting my arm.  Still... dayum!

Why do girls always insist on sleeping on rocks!?  So dumb...

Polka dots are awesome.

As some of you might have seen, she is in that new movie with Adam Sandler, Just Go With It.  I don't know anything about the plot, nor do I care to learn much about it.  It also has Jennifer Aniston, who is also quite a good looking individual.

I like the pink.

Hey hotness, would you like a Corona?

...or perhaps a Dos Equis?

 So what do you think about Brooklyn Decker?  Awesome or amazing?  9/10 or 9.5/10?

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Monday, February 14, 2011

Diane Kruger

Was just watching National Treasure, and every time I am drawn to Diane Kruger.

Some people make looking good look easy. She does, except for her robot boots.

So I'm trying to diversify my blog.  I came up with this idea to include the female perspective, aka, asking chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the second neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #2.

1) What is the best gift a guy could get you?

Something that took more than five minutes to pick out without your woman (and/or your overbearing, critical's not her gift, it's mine!) having to tell you what to get. One thing that 99.9% of men don't understand is that you DEFINITELY WILL get paid back for your hard work. You get what you give! I understand that there are some ungrateful, bitchy women out there who will stop at nothing to nag you about every aspect of your life. Those you should dump. But, there are some women out there who are worth the time and effort.

2) Do you have any fashion advice for guys?

Really I just have one question: Does it take infinitely more energy to reach for a dress shirt than it does for a sweatshirt? If a woman is expected to look nice and be presentable, I'd like to know who created the double standard saying that men don't. A nice button down, tighter jeans around the a$$ and a nice pair of shoes can go very far. Boxers aren't sexy....neither are jeans that are pulled up to  right under your man boobs. 

3) Fashion advice for chicks?

The only time I want to see muffin top is in the morning with some coffee!!

4) What is the worst date that you've ever been on, and why?

I went to dinner with a guy who put absolutely no effort into making conversation. If you run out of things to say before you even get to the restaurant, text your friend and have them call you in the middle of dinner with an emergency. This situation needs an emergency getaway car. 

5) What is the ideal first date?

Nice conversation with someone who at least pretends to be intelligent, trying out a new restaurant that neither of you have been to and then going for coffee afterward to continue talking. 

6) What is the worst kind of kisser?

A nervous person!! Don't spit on me [editor's note: hahaha!], don't put your tongue in my mouth like a snake and don't make me reach up to your level and fall forward trying to kiss you. Don't make it awkward.

7) How many dates before sex? Less than one is totally acceptable.

Less than one never works. If you want a second date, you need to keep it in your pants and keep them guessing. Having a little self-respect is always a good thing.  

8) Ever flash anyone in public?


9) Does size matter?

It's not the size of the wave -- it's the motion in the ocean. 

10) Freestyle. Go!

I'm honestly not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing here but let me say this: I have been through quite a few relationships now and I have yet to meet a mature man willing to take care of his woman and put her first. Maybe it's a product of this generation or something in the water, but being in a relationship shouldn't be a job!! I don't want to feel like I have to get paid for this!!! 

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 2.  Key takeaway: Don't spit on your girl.

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Last night I went to Clarendon Grill with the Henslayer, and lucked out, because the most epic bone-crushing heavy metal [cover] band ever was playing: Toxic Mouse! The are unabashedly 80's and they freggin' pull it off. They really pulled out all of the stops.

Toxic Mouse!

I don't know how I haven't seen this local band until now. They have the big hair, the flashy clothes, and the colorful and sexy guitars. It's almost as if they have a time machine. Plus, their new singer is dead on (not the guy in the video below -- who is okay).

We're Not Gunna Take It!
Could be better quality, but this video isn't bad.

The best part about this band is that they are probably lame outside of their costumes. Like I bet the guys in the band are computer programmers, dungeons and dragons players, maybe even lawyers -- that bad! Whatever, I don't need to acknowledge reality, and I can just live the dream.

Photo courtesy of The Henslayer.

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Want to know what it feels like to be at a Black Sabbath concert?  No?  That's no fun.  Well, I'll tell you anyway.  It's pretty awesome.  Obviously you will never know what it's truly like unless you go.  But!  I found this really awesome video of the boys totally causing thunder and lightning in the arena.

You really get a feel for the heaviness of the bass here... you get a feel for just, mwaha, just, mwaha, just what exactly they are capable of!! Mwahahahaha! *evil laugh*

After watching this video on my laptop speakers I realize how unimpressive it is.  You really need real speakers to listen to it with the bass turned up some.  Then, and only then, is it any good.  Please forgive me for the lameness of this post, otherwise.  What can I do to make it up to you?

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Monday, February 7, 2011

So I'm trying to diversify my blog.  I came up with this idea to include the female perspective, aka, asking chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes). I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the first neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #1.

1) What is the best gift a guy could get you?

A vacation to somewhere in the world I have never been.

2) Do you have any fashion advice for guys?

Make sure your clothes fit you!! Very few American men know what length their shirt sleeves should be or how their pants and jackets should fit.

3) Fashion advice for chicks?

Proportion, proportion, proportion and don't lie to yourself about what looks best on your body.

4) What is the worst date that you've ever been on, and why?

A guy my mom set me up on a blind [date] with because he was too loud and intense... and about 5' 3".

5) What is the ideal first date?

Casual dinner and drinks, talking, laughing until three hours have gone by without either of us noticing, a walk, and then ...

6) What is the worst kind of kisser?

A darting tongue, really thin lips, failure to do anything with his hands.

7) How many dates before sex? Less than one is totally acceptable.

Always, always go with the flow and where it takes you.

8) Ever flash anyone in public?

Never ... gotta make them work for it.

9) Does size matter?

YES, but a failure in the size department can definitely be made up for in other areas and even when it's huge the sex can be no good.

10) Freestyle. Go!

So right now I am listening to music by Lael Neale (see previous blog post).  I listen to Lael pretty much every morning while I have breakfast and coffee and then after my roommate leaves I jump around in my bathrobe and sing along.  It's pretty much the best way to get me awake/happy/high on the day.  You should definitely try it sometime.

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 1.  I have a lot of things to work on. E.g., does ExtenZe work?

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E-mail me at
and I will send you some questions!
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Friday, February 4, 2011

Lael Neale

Lael. Hebrew in origin, meaning belonging to God.
Neale. Gaelic origin, meaning the champion.

I'm not a liar. I don't listen to Lael Neale much, but she intrigues me. I can't seem to pinpoint why.

Simple Down

Maybe it's the piano, or the acoustic. Maybe it's the simple elegance of the composition. The music is listenable, relaxing and contemplative. Her voice is smooth like vanilla, if it were to speak. 

I'm also a fan of the folksy style she has. She doesn't seem like she's trying to impress anyone, and I think that adds to the quality of the music. It just feels real, which is a quality that is in short supply in this 21st Century Schizoid... Century...

And as this blog is mainly about music and chicks, I will now comment on her physical appearance (because, as we all know, music is half music and half looks) (huh?).

I can tell you, as an expert in these matters, that she is quite attractive. It looks like she might be trying to revive the late 60's, which isn't really my thing. But at the same time she is also modern, and I like that -- it shows that she has character. (hey, I'm trying to revive the 80's -- we all have our idiosyncrasies).

Her music passes the test, and so do her looks. Two-part test satisfied. Affirmed. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011